A week ago, I said that long distance was not hard, but today its challenges have seemed more real than ever. From time to time I begin to overthink and to worry and wonder if my boyfriend and I can really pull this off. I’m scared and honestly the biggest strain is a lack of intimacy. I’m not necessarily talking about physical intimacy, but the ability to connect on such a deep level as before. I miss the simple actions and words that easily confirmed our affection for each other. I miss the gentle smiles and the ability to meet each other’s gaze eye to eye and soul to soul without the barrier of a screen mediating and filtering our communication. I am grateful for the ability to see him and hear him, but I crave more. I wish I could see him delight in being with me, have him randomly grab my hand like he used to or touch my back and guide me inside a room like he often would.
Long distance is not painful all of the time, but sometimes a pain can jolt me back to the reality that I miss him and that I desperately miss him. It can arise from the smallest experiences such as seeing a couple arm in arm or hearing jazz music in a cafe. My boyfriend is always so confident that we will be fine, but I wish I saw him worry at least once. I know it sounds strange, but I feel that if I saw him worry it would help me to understand the fact that this is hard for the both of us. I don’t want to feel like the only one struggling.